Beautiful, Asia. I enjoyed getting to know more of your story. Appreciate your honesty and yes, it is a lot going on for you and yes, Italian village life isn’t for you, and yes, it won’t always be like this. I know because I’ve told myself the same, in seasons of my life that didn’t fit. Keep writing and sharing and keeping it real 😀
I feel a lot of this! I was in a small Catalan village for a while, but mine was a small Catalan village with world-class climbing, and a community of international climbers who had either made their home there or were constantly cycling through. Absent a built-in community, it would have been incredibly alienating.
I so related with this Asia, although I have to say I'm envious of your Italian passport and ability to speak Italian. But it's very telling to me that even with both those things, you still don't feel like you fit in in an Italian village. I guess that means I have zero chance of fitting in in a Spanish village, with neither a Spanish passport nor being fluent in spanish! Thank you for being so open and honest and authentic, it definitely helps to know I'm not the only one feeling like this!
This is the brutal honesty we didn’t know we needed. The allure of living in a small town seems so ideal…until it doesn’t. Appreciated your insight on the reality of it
I felt similar when I did a study abroad in Germany. I felt like even after a month, I only recognized a few words of German from items I'd bought in the store. I was in the business part of Nuremberg, so there weren't that many people there outside of business hours. Even though I was there for a study abroad from an American university, I had the weirdest reaction. Standing in line at the airport heading to Heathrow and hearing English voices around me made me teary eyed. I just felt so out of place and felt like I belonged more among English speakers. That being said, I'm half Sicilian and would love to go and visit--but maybe only for a week or two. I can't see myself permanently living there. I don't do that well with languages. I would need to devote a lot of time to it, and it isn't a priority for me right now. Everybody has their strengths and weaknesses, and I know this is mine. Maybe I'll fall so in love with Sicily that it will make me want to learn.
The relief of hearing your native language is real! The language barrier can be so tough. I fell in love with Italian enough to study it, but I’m nowhere near the level I need to be to have a heartfelt conversation or feel like “me”. It’s good to know where you stand and what you’re willing to sacrifice (or not) to live somewhere. But like you said, maybe you’d fall in love with Sicily…👀
Oh my… this is timely. My partner and I spent last night fantasising about uprooting our lives and starting again in an Italian village so this is very much food for thought… thank you.
Ahhh, happy to provide this prospective. There are so many things to consider. Do you have a particular village in mind? There are other writers on here that seem to love their Italian village setup, but even as I read about their lives, I know it isn't an environment I would thrive in.
Wow I loved reading this! I can relate to so much of it-- I lived in a Spanish pueblo about an hour outside of Madrid a couple of years ago. And honestly even though I love Spain (I still live here, but in Madrid now) I struggled living there. I didn't have any friends who also lived there, all my friends lived in Madrid. My Spanish level was super low too which obviously didn't help. I for sure felt like an outsider and was just bored a lot of the time there.
And I had a weird sense of guilt around it-- I guess because this whole village life is so romanticized online, and I absolutely do see the beauty of it. But I think that there's also so much beauty to the rhythm and connections of a city. I related so much to what you said about how in a city it's easy to be extroverted, in a village not so much! I feel almost the exact same way. And it's especially hard when living in a foreign country I think, even though I find Spaniards very welcoming in general there's still this sense of loneliness when you feel like an outsider in a particular place.
I didn't mean to write so much, but this piece really struck a chord with me. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for your long comment, Sky! I enjoyed reading it. It's always helpful to know we aren't alone in our struggles, especially in life abroad. It sounds like you felt quite similarly to how I'm feeling now. I can picture your life in the pueblo so well.
I'm considering Spain for a future move, most likely Barcelona, but I imagine Madrid is quite a vibrant, bustling city to live in (with plenty of other expats/immigrants).
Yes:) Madrid is a great city for foreigners I think-- lots of ways to meet people and a very vibrant writing scene, which I was not expecting but a lovely surprise! I'm sure Barcelona is similar, though it's a city I don't know very well.
Beautiful pictures, lovely essay, I understand your pov completely. I grew up in a small midwestern town and it took me til my 30s to realize I was at heart a city girl who likes to vacation in mountain towns. I moved to a village in Portugal that is much like what you describe, though there are no English speaking immigrants in my city. I go to the local coffee bar and the local churrasqueria and the local library and though I always feel welcome by my neighbors and the proprietors where I go often, I do not feel quite "at home" unless I am actually at home, introverting. I discovered after moving here that my partner of 20+ years has been engaging for the last 15 years in compulsions that are incompatible with a marriage and so I've been dealing with that which is no doubt coloring my perceptions and emotions. I find going to the city (around here, that's Lisboa) fills me with the anonymous peace I'vie felt in other large cities where I've lived. I am happy to be following you on your journey, and wish you and your daughter the best.
Thank you for sharing with me, Sandra, and for your thoughtful comment. I can relate to that feeling of anonymous peace; Milano has been my escape. I hope you continue to get more and more of the city life you're craving. I always feel so inspired whenever I'm in the energy of a vibrant city, and I imagine Lisboa fits that bill.
I’ve lived abroad for 11 years and while my experience is quite different than yours, I feel you and I see you. Try to have compassion for all the change and transformation you’re moving through right now. You have signed up for a journey of novelty and excitement and friction and it’s important to sit in those moments of discomfort and see how you respond. It sounds like you’re doing beautifully and readjusting to the absolutely major change of accounting for your daughter and what’s best for her and seeing how that contrasts with what’s best for you. It’s interesting, and it’s all just information. A necessary snapshot in time on this beautiful path that you have chosen for yourself and now your daughter too. I’m rooting for you ;)
"Compromises were made" could be the title of my memoir. I think I would have said "Concessions were made." Sometimes we do things we have to do because in the moment, they are the option that seems best. Sometimes they end up being like little miracles that we can't believe we finally chose the most amazing thing ever. And sometimes they end up being...meh. Not great, but not entirely awful either. Although, if we had to deal with actual live chickens? No. Nope. No.
Oof yes, I would say that both compromises and concessions were made. You hit the nail on the head there. (And good to know we are aligned on the chickens!)
Oh, I know people love chickens these days. They are all the rage. But I firmly believe that farm animals are not my destiny. Unless something goes very sideways.
Beautiful, Asia. I enjoyed getting to know more of your story. Appreciate your honesty and yes, it is a lot going on for you and yes, Italian village life isn’t for you, and yes, it won’t always be like this. I know because I’ve told myself the same, in seasons of my life that didn’t fit. Keep writing and sharing and keeping it real 😀
Thank you, Amy. I’m so glad we’ve connected through Substack, and I hope to see you in Barcelona soon enough, when the timing is right 🙂
I feel a lot of this! I was in a small Catalan village for a while, but mine was a small Catalan village with world-class climbing, and a community of international climbers who had either made their home there or were constantly cycling through. Absent a built-in community, it would have been incredibly alienating.
Community is essential. It sounds like you did your research on that particular village :)
I so related with this Asia, although I have to say I'm envious of your Italian passport and ability to speak Italian. But it's very telling to me that even with both those things, you still don't feel like you fit in in an Italian village. I guess that means I have zero chance of fitting in in a Spanish village, with neither a Spanish passport nor being fluent in spanish! Thank you for being so open and honest and authentic, it definitely helps to know I'm not the only one feeling like this!
This is the brutal honesty we didn’t know we needed. The allure of living in a small town seems so ideal…until it doesn’t. Appreciated your insight on the reality of it
I’m glad this found its way to you. Thank you for reading.🤍
I felt similar when I did a study abroad in Germany. I felt like even after a month, I only recognized a few words of German from items I'd bought in the store. I was in the business part of Nuremberg, so there weren't that many people there outside of business hours. Even though I was there for a study abroad from an American university, I had the weirdest reaction. Standing in line at the airport heading to Heathrow and hearing English voices around me made me teary eyed. I just felt so out of place and felt like I belonged more among English speakers. That being said, I'm half Sicilian and would love to go and visit--but maybe only for a week or two. I can't see myself permanently living there. I don't do that well with languages. I would need to devote a lot of time to it, and it isn't a priority for me right now. Everybody has their strengths and weaknesses, and I know this is mine. Maybe I'll fall so in love with Sicily that it will make me want to learn.
The relief of hearing your native language is real! The language barrier can be so tough. I fell in love with Italian enough to study it, but I’m nowhere near the level I need to be to have a heartfelt conversation or feel like “me”. It’s good to know where you stand and what you’re willing to sacrifice (or not) to live somewhere. But like you said, maybe you’d fall in love with Sicily…👀
Oh my… this is timely. My partner and I spent last night fantasising about uprooting our lives and starting again in an Italian village so this is very much food for thought… thank you.
Ahhh, happy to provide this prospective. There are so many things to consider. Do you have a particular village in mind? There are other writers on here that seem to love their Italian village setup, but even as I read about their lives, I know it isn't an environment I would thrive in.
Wow I loved reading this! I can relate to so much of it-- I lived in a Spanish pueblo about an hour outside of Madrid a couple of years ago. And honestly even though I love Spain (I still live here, but in Madrid now) I struggled living there. I didn't have any friends who also lived there, all my friends lived in Madrid. My Spanish level was super low too which obviously didn't help. I for sure felt like an outsider and was just bored a lot of the time there.
And I had a weird sense of guilt around it-- I guess because this whole village life is so romanticized online, and I absolutely do see the beauty of it. But I think that there's also so much beauty to the rhythm and connections of a city. I related so much to what you said about how in a city it's easy to be extroverted, in a village not so much! I feel almost the exact same way. And it's especially hard when living in a foreign country I think, even though I find Spaniards very welcoming in general there's still this sense of loneliness when you feel like an outsider in a particular place.
I didn't mean to write so much, but this piece really struck a chord with me. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for your long comment, Sky! I enjoyed reading it. It's always helpful to know we aren't alone in our struggles, especially in life abroad. It sounds like you felt quite similarly to how I'm feeling now. I can picture your life in the pueblo so well.
I'm considering Spain for a future move, most likely Barcelona, but I imagine Madrid is quite a vibrant, bustling city to live in (with plenty of other expats/immigrants).
Yes:) Madrid is a great city for foreigners I think-- lots of ways to meet people and a very vibrant writing scene, which I was not expecting but a lovely surprise! I'm sure Barcelona is similar, though it's a city I don't know very well.
Beautiful pictures, lovely essay, I understand your pov completely. I grew up in a small midwestern town and it took me til my 30s to realize I was at heart a city girl who likes to vacation in mountain towns. I moved to a village in Portugal that is much like what you describe, though there are no English speaking immigrants in my city. I go to the local coffee bar and the local churrasqueria and the local library and though I always feel welcome by my neighbors and the proprietors where I go often, I do not feel quite "at home" unless I am actually at home, introverting. I discovered after moving here that my partner of 20+ years has been engaging for the last 15 years in compulsions that are incompatible with a marriage and so I've been dealing with that which is no doubt coloring my perceptions and emotions. I find going to the city (around here, that's Lisboa) fills me with the anonymous peace I'vie felt in other large cities where I've lived. I am happy to be following you on your journey, and wish you and your daughter the best.
Thank you for sharing with me, Sandra, and for your thoughtful comment. I can relate to that feeling of anonymous peace; Milano has been my escape. I hope you continue to get more and more of the city life you're craving. I always feel so inspired whenever I'm in the energy of a vibrant city, and I imagine Lisboa fits that bill.
I’ve lived abroad for 11 years and while my experience is quite different than yours, I feel you and I see you. Try to have compassion for all the change and transformation you’re moving through right now. You have signed up for a journey of novelty and excitement and friction and it’s important to sit in those moments of discomfort and see how you respond. It sounds like you’re doing beautifully and readjusting to the absolutely major change of accounting for your daughter and what’s best for her and seeing how that contrasts with what’s best for you. It’s interesting, and it’s all just information. A necessary snapshot in time on this beautiful path that you have chosen for yourself and now your daughter too. I’m rooting for you ;)
Thank you so much, Tara.
"Compromises were made" could be the title of my memoir. I think I would have said "Concessions were made." Sometimes we do things we have to do because in the moment, they are the option that seems best. Sometimes they end up being like little miracles that we can't believe we finally chose the most amazing thing ever. And sometimes they end up being...meh. Not great, but not entirely awful either. Although, if we had to deal with actual live chickens? No. Nope. No.
Oof yes, I would say that both compromises and concessions were made. You hit the nail on the head there. (And good to know we are aligned on the chickens!)
Oh, I know people love chickens these days. They are all the rage. But I firmly believe that farm animals are not my destiny. Unless something goes very sideways.